Sunday, June 14, 2015

IT'S WHAT (OLD) MEN NEED FOR FATHERS DAY -- RATED 5 STAR BY SCALLIONS!!!

LISTEN UP!  Wives, children looking out for your inheritance, even grandchildren;  FATHERS DAY is next Sunday. As usual, none of you inconsiderates have given a genuine thought to what to get the old fart of your extended modern family.

This year you can sensitively show the geezer that you really care about what he really wants needs. Knowing my family is too upscale to shop at Menards, I splurged yesterday and bought my own FD present -- the LED LIGHTED TWEEZERS for $2 in stealth black.



"Beam me up (my nose), Scotty"

Believe me folks, this baby works!! In the dim light of our master bathroom, lined up in front of "our" makeup mirror with my aging eyes and shaky hands, I plucked away without rupturing an eardrum or slicing my eye. Even those evasive grey nose and ear hairs were surgically removed with precision.

So, if the fossil of your family has nostrils that look like filthy furnace filters or black vines growing out of his ears, this will be a gift he'll treasure and may even be passed on to you once he's gone. Rush to your local Menard's store before their supply is exhausted. Remember, you'll save big money at the risk of loosing your store snootiness when you shop Menards.

This item is not endorsed by AARP!




 

Friday, April 24, 2015

Requiem for a Mercury Capri

It's April again in Minnesota; time for the aging car guys to jump start their aging ,arthritic bodies and get their aging, classic cars out of storage. It's an old guys "right of spring" and I am eligible; old guy, owner of  '91 Mercury Capri.

Every spring I call Dennis at the County Fairgrounds to arrange to take my little beauty out of mothballs. My fear face is apparent to Dennis when I show up given my total lack of mechanical ability. My fright heightens and my sphincter tightens!! "Will it start"? "Will this be the spring I cry and grovel on the gravel garage floor begging for help getting my precious started?"

Even if I get it going, then what? Due to Mercury's lack of buyers for this series,  new parts are hard to come by. Will this be the year that the "whatzamgigger" under the hood next to that "dooda" conks out and I have it towed 100 miles to my mechanic Blacky Carbon? Blacky is a smug Frenchman who goes under the business name of Monsieur Carboone's House of Citroen Repair. Rather than using his real last name in the business he pronounces it as Car-boooone, which he is convinced has certain sex appeal with the European crowd.

Will this be the visit Blacky has to put my aging chick magnet back together with 20 lb. test line, duct tape, and a Hail Mary? Will this be the year than Blacky shuns me, preferring to work with the jet setters from the Continent on broke down 70's Citroens and Peugeots ?

I worry what would happen to my Capri if I weren't there to protect it. My angst spiked recently seeing what had been done to a fallen brethren Capri near Anna Maria Island, Florida. At a distance, I thought I had come upon a rare seaworthy '60's Amphicar.  As I got closer, my excitement changed to bitterness realizing it was an abandoned modified Capri with large shark tail fins, indicating it may have been once been used as a dragster.

In showing the picture of the beached Capri to officials at the "Big Daddy" Garlits Drag Racing Museum in Ocala on the way back to the Twin Cities, I was told by some guffawing smart ass docent in a flame retardant suit, "nope, even with better fins the frame of a Capri would never had made it down the quarter mile. You might want to check with Marineland in Clearwater to see if they know what species of fish it might be."




AMPHICAR CIRCA 1960'S 

Paranoid about my car? Yes, maybe. I love my little car. It's not only a classic, but a survivor.

On a beautiful summer day, I can cruise the shoreline  roads around Lake Minnetonka in the draft of the  big dogs - Ferraris, 'Vettes, Porsches. I know my place in line and accept the fact that the view and the foul air (methane or motor oil) of the lead sled dog never changes?????






WORDS TO 
LIVE BY:


"You can't always get what you want, you can't always get what you want, but if you try so hard you find sometimes you get what you need"!




ROLLING STONES 
1969

SERIOUS  STUFF:


 1)MERCURY CAPRI (89-94) WAS MANUFACTURED IN 2 SERIES. EARLY ON THEY WERE COMPARED TO THE MAZDA MIATA. TWO SERIES WERE MANUFACTURED : RX2 WHICH WAS RATED AS TO HAVE 132 HP; THE MORE COMMON BASIC HAD 100 HP. ACCORDING TO SPORTS CAR CLUB OF AMERICA SOURCES, NEITHER CAPRI WERE PLACED IN A RACING CLASS AT THAT TIME, BUT ARE CURRENTLY IN F PRODUCTION AND/OR TOURING A.

2)HENRY FORD MUSEUM IN DEARBORN, MICHIGAN HAS ONLY 2 MERCURY'S ON DISPLAY; SURPRISINGLY THE CAPRI HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED.

3)SEA HAGG IS LOCATED IN CORTEZ ON 684 JUST BEFORE THE BRIDGE TO ANA MARIA ISLAND. YOU CAN'T MISS SEEING IT AS THE TRAFFIC CRAWLS ONTO AMI.


4)THANKS TO P.A.V FOR REMINDING ME OF MY "ROOTS" NEAR UNION GROVE. 

 






SCROLL DOWN TO BOTTOM OF BLOG PAGE TO VIEW ORIGINAL POST FROM APRIL, 2010: "MERCURY CAPRI TO BE REINTRODUCED TO ROAD RACING AT LE MANS IN 2011"