Saturday, December 26, 2009

Long Awaited REAL MAN WEDDINGS Opens in Northeastern Wisconsin

REAL MAN WEDDINGS has announced the opening of it's first franchise located in Holstein Creek, Wisconsin. Franchisee owner-operators and brothers, Arvid and Emil Holstein will open the doors of A&E Real Man Weddings February 1st, just in time for the Brown County Arena Bridal Fair and Valentines Day.

Temporarily housed in an outbuilding on the Holstein farm, Real Man Weddings will cater primarily to the grooms to be. The brothers Holstein decided that it was time for the man in the relationship have the say in this major expense. The idea was hatched in 2006 when a younger Holstein sister, Irma contracted with nearby Make Your Day, Take My Money Bridal Service to coordinate her big day. Within two years, the Holstein's parents had to file for bankruptcy loosing their farm and Savings Bonds. Realizing the in laws were broke, Irma's husband split moved to Iowa for another woman. Arvid and Emil were left to take care of Irma and her IOU's.

"This proved to us that men have to have nuts to stand up to some of the nonsense the little woman will get sucked into before they hop in the hay forever", stated Emil eloquently. With frustration in his voice, he continued, "Look, Irma paid $2000 for a harp player who drank as much as she played that goofy sounding thing. Couldn't play polkas either". Emil droned on, "The limo she rented was for 12 people and only 4 used it. The driver was related to the owners of Make Your Day and was on meth. He got caught for speeding right in front of the church, hauled away by the Sheriff, and then Arvid had to drive that damn funeral car. On top of that, Make Your Day billed Irma for that inbreds speeding ticket".

Real Man will offer the Mr. & Mrs. To Be such no frills deals as Strucco grille rentals, beer soaked brats, raw beef and onions, and special offers on Leinenkugel kegs during February. As an introductory offer, Leinnies has made a special cake topper of a bride and groom wearing matched #4 Brett Favre jerseys. The groom can select the #4 topper in VIKING colors free with purchase of 3 or more kegs in February. Out of favor New York Jet colors and Packer colors can also ordered, but there will be an additional cost. This February "Male Sale" will offer many other testosterone buster specials.

"Our floral deal is sure to get lots of tire kickers", said a smiling Arvid, referred to in the community fondly as 25 Watt. "Wozcowski Furniture and Funeral is gonna sell us used funeral flowers. As long as someone croaks no longer than 3 weeks before the hitching, the flowers should last and it should all work out. Of course, we ain't responsible for what kind of flowers and colors you'll get, if any, 'cause the dead don't tell us when they're gonna be dead" doing his best unintentional Yogi Berra imitation. "Best that 'youse guys watch the dead notices in The Gazette and order them flowers well in advance".

"What the guys need to remember is that we're sensitive to every males basic needs at Real Man", Emil added. "Our motto is -- If You're a Real Man You'll Get More Bang for the Buck Shopping at A&E". Arvid clapped his hands in applause and giggled awkwardly at the same time wandering off into the Holstein pasture.


Being a native of the eastern part of the Badger State, I am tied to the mindset as well as the tongue of Wisconsinese. Yes, there are "bubblers" (drinking fountains) to drink from, "'youse guys" are really you guys, and "aina" really means "ain't it so?", or "aina so?", or "ain't it". You get the drift Fonzie?

Some things will never change though from my heritage. For years I've prided myself on being very value conscious when I buy things. Some might mislabel me as being cheap. The word frugal is the least I will dignify.

I wish that Real Man Weddings had been in business years back. Not only would I have looked into a franchise for my hometown, but I would have guided my two future son-in-laws in the direction of RMW. The saving grace is that I have a third daughter who will hopefully look for my guidance when it's her time to go to the altar. She's always talked of a destination wedding and I know the the people at A&E will soon be promoting honeymoon fishing packages for newlyweds in Algoma.

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