Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Blacky Webber Obituary


Angry crowds roamed the streets of Wausau again yesterday seeking out and destroying any type of Weber Grill products they could get their hands on. Acts of violence against Weber grill owners and retailers selling Weber products have worsened by the day with no end in sight. The violence is in response to an obituary for the grill destroyed in a cookout over the Memorial Day weekend in a fire which completely destroyed the home of Sven Potroskey, 2711 Fire Lane 7.

Several days after the fire, the bizarre obituary shown below appeared in the Wausau Herald announcing the passing away of Blacky Webber, Petroskey's nickname for the grill used at the fire. "Bad joke! Totally inappropriate even by Wausau standards", uttered General Manager Stosh Zilinsky of the Herald. "Whoever placed this obit had the intention of provoking our good citizens. Our people still remember the day that Weber closed up their Wausau plant leaving hundreds unemployed. This adds further insult to injury, kind of like pouring gasoline on an open flame. I'm not pointing a finger at Weber, but it sounds like something they'd do".

Although no one has stepped forward to take responsibility for the incendiary death notice, local authorities are pursuing a number of leads. Suspects range from local pranksters to several grill companies including Weber. Also under suspicion is a Chinese manufacturer of "knock off" Weber type grills. Close friends of Petroskeys, who know how he loved his grill, are being talked to as well. At this point, no one has been ruled out.

Here is a copy of the notice published on 6/4:

WEBBER , BACKY passi way tragicky 29 May just as grille season was just heat up. Last four cereal number say Black born and made on 5 May, 2009 in Xe Dung Pou Province, China. Backy live with Petroskey in Wauwau, Wi., USA and survive by Kettles with numbers B000110000000 - BB767445348990. Will be miss by all Webber's di xiong and jie mei.

So with the placement of the obit, the up north Wisconsin brew hah hah began. "Oh Lord", gasped the aging Reverend Alan Popalowksi, who leads Holier than Thou, the largest Baptist Congregation in Northern Wisconsin. "How can this big Weber corporation place an obituary for one of their cheap grilles as if it were one of your flock, oh Lord? This is total disrespect of our peace loving community and human life. Loosing your job due to a plant closing is one thing, losing your home to a fire is another, but being asked to pay tribute to the devil disguised as a melted down kettle grill is too much to ask of thine Holier than Thou rollers. I say, "May they burn in hell, oh Lord!"

"We will destroy Weber," shouted a toothless local woman at an anti-Weber rally held at a Friday Fish Fry at Bottoms Up Bar located at the base of Rib Mountain. "Dem guys closed da plant here four years ago leaving thousands with no jobs. Them jobs went to China". Blowing a smoke ring from her home made rolled weed, wheezing "we ain't gonna buy no more Weber grills". The crowd roared with approval, toasting their plastic cups filled with Leinnies

Trying to maintain calm, Mayor Stan Slowboski spoke with reporters in a closed door meeting yesterday, "This is a tragic situation which is now escalating for all the wrong reasons. OK, it looks to me like the Chinese are behind this because of the poor grammar and spelling in the obit. Human life has always been cheap with those people, they value things more than people, and they have a weird sense of humor" he chuckled.

"Remember though, we must be politically correct because we live in a global economy today, the Mayor rambled on. We have to pretend to accept differences, especially with them having all the money". One of the Herald reporters then posed a deep question of the Mayor, "Huh?"

"There's another part of the problem", continued the Mayor, " our citizens are blaming the wrong grill maker. For God's sake if these inbred Pollocks knew how to read they'd realize that this Webber is a Chinese knockoff, not the original icon Weber Kettle that closed their plant here four years ago. It's not the same Company. There's an extra b in the name. Youse guys know what I mean?", he probed reporters who shook their heads in all directions, looking like the media all bobblehead team.

"Not only are cultural differences a problem, but language translation created major problem as well", offered So Su Me who teaches Chinese Phonics and Translation at the University of Wisconsin, Marathon County. "The instructions written for proper usage of the grill stated that it was good (hoa in Chinese) to use the grill indoors. They overlooky converting Chinese to English correctly by not inserting the word (bu) before hoa which would have been translated correctly in the instructions to 'NO GOOD', not to use the grill indoors. This may have spared lives that is if the 'bu hoa' inebriates ever read the instructions. We'll never know".

Fire Marshall Cy "Slosher" Cyblowski, critical of Sue Mi's inference that drunkenness was a factor in the fire, said that he didn't think alcohol had anything to do with this tragedy. "Even though Wausau Police had been there four times earlier that evening, it just looked like a typical Polish gathering -- passed out polka player, fist fight between an grandmother and grandson, nothing unusual in this part of the country. No matter how looped these people may have been, I don't think they were that out of it to grill inside even though a picture taken by that teetotalling party going snitch may indicate otherwise". Marshall Cyblowski lamented, who lost many good drinking buddies in the blaze.

Meanwhile, in related news a mass funeral service and memorial for the forty seven residents who perished in the Petroskey inferno is scheduled for 7 PM next week Friday at the site of the fire. Mourners are encouraged to head over to Gilly's Tap following. Free beer along with raw beef and onions will be served, and as usual Gilly's world famous all you can eat Haddock for $7.95.

Teetotaller's Last Minute
Picture of Blacky Webber's
Red Hot Fire Next to Plywood
Minnesota Paneling Inside
Petrosky's Attached Garage
Seconds Before Inferno

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