Monday, February 22, 2010

Suspicious Death at B&B due to Natural Causes

A partially decomposed body of a middle age male found wedged between a dozen over sized designer pillows and a very large wall mounted mirror at the head of a bed at the Historic Pamper Inn on Broad Street has been ruled death by natural causes. An autopsy completed yesterday by Coroner Mavis McCutt ruled that no foul play was involved.

"As of now", stated Ms. McCutt, "this appears to have been just a series of unfortunate accidents which lead to the victims demise". Police have identified the victim as Russ Angel who was reported missing February 14th by his wife.

An unnamed employee of the Pamper Inn disclosed to reporters that Angel had spent the evening of February 13th there with a female companion. Another worker stated that a prominent local politicians wife was seen rushing from the area early Valentines day looking nothing like The Good Wife. The woman is reported to be out of the country at this time and not available for comment.

Coroner McCutt believes that Angel had an allergic reaction to to a triple dose of Cialis while sleeping shortly after having intercourse. The excessive sex stimulant triggered a massive heart attack which caused his nude body to catapult into the netted bed covers on top of the four post bed slamming his head into ceiling. McCutt stated briefly, "we don't know which of the three took him. Seems the heart attack, strangulation in the bed netting, and head trauma all happened at once. I doubt if we'll ever know."

The Coroner speculated that the female companion probably awoke to the grizzly scene early in the morning. Rather than calling 911, she panicked and probably freed Angel from the netting and then wedged his body between the mirrored wall and bed frame. After that she tidied up the netting, made the bed as if no one had slept in it and buried Angel's compressed body under the mass of a dozen overstuffed multicolored Air Wick scented designer pillows. Police have assumed the woman to be a Catholic having found Rosary beads under the the fallen Angel.


Mrs. Angel reported her husband missing early the morning of Valentines Day when he failed to wake her with her the usual box of Whitman's Samplers and Walgreen's V-Day Card. Angel was not found until February 21st when the room was next rented. The maid on duty that day, Romona Gueterez notice a unusual scent "like dead flowers" when she entered the room to check the room before their guests arrived. While adjusting the pillows she found the partially decomposed Angel and called police.

Although this story seems a little far fetched, coroner actors from all three CSI TV shows confirmed that things likely took place as McCutt described. They concluded that the many lavender Air Wick containers placed around the room created the smell of "dead flowers" as Ms. Gueterez described. With the room closed for a week, the scent was not noticeable in the adjoining areas. All three of the experts concluded that Angel died quickly without feeling anything, but with a big grin on his face.

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