Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Iowa Gangs Smuggling Illegal Asian Carp North -- Minnesota to Close 275 Mile Border

With the Federal Government scrambling to resolve it's issues with Arizona's controversial new Immigration Law, the State of Minnesota is threatening to close the 275 mile southern border to it's much maligned neighboring State of Iowa.

The border battle stems from Iowa's "blatant lies about trying to keep Asian Carp in the Des Moines and Cedar Rivers from reaching Minnesota's waterways. There's alot of cow dung being spread by Iowans claiming to be keeping these airborne carp in check while mass breeding them just south of the border", lashed out a resident of Fish Creek, Minnesota which is now referred to by the media as Carp Creek. "Everyday we see schools of them as far up as I-90".




ASIAN CARP GETTING READY TO RUSH BORDER CROSSING




State Border Patrol Officials who have studied Iowas' Carp trafficking claim that Iowa gangs have established sophisticated breeding techniques for the Asians. Steroids are being injected into the fish as they grow to increase their chances of making it to Minnesota. A good Asian will bring in ten times more money in Minnesota than in Iowa. Iowans sell these freaks of nature to Twin Cities fine restaurants under the name of Hawkeye Salmon. Gourmands just assume they are ordering Sockeye Salmon.




MINNESOTA BORDER PATROL OFFICIALS GATHERING AT BLUE EARTH CARP CONFERENCE

It is expected that the border closing will have ramifications beyond these two States, with the South Dakota Governor who is married to the wife of the main Asian Carp trafficker know only as Fishlips, having already banned all travel to Twins and Vikings games. Uprisings by Sioux Falls sports starved fans have already lead to confrontations between Police using water cannons and angry residents .

"This has got to stop, and stop now", screamed an angry Representative Lars Nelson-Olson, DFL - Albert Lea who claims to be a real descendent of Lief Ericksson. "It was bad enough when Iowans were crossing our borders illegally and we'd find them hanging around in our farm fields stealing our Roundup Herbicide. Then they infiltrated the Mall of America striding around in those cheap New Balance dress walkers and eating their bag lunches on the benches while gawking at 'Sotans with that Iowa look. Now they're holding us hostage over these Asian Carp".



Things came to a head Thursday when Minnesota's Riverine Gunboats encountered a group of Iowa cigarette boats escorted by hundreds of hopped up Asians. They had crossed the border, attempting to get through blockades just north of Jackson, Minnesota in the extremely turbulent waters of the Des Moines. "We were able turn them back just in time with no injuries other than hurt feelings. We started to yell Iowa jokes at them over the boat speakers and they turned back", laughed a weathered looking Riverine Captain, Elder Ansil Archer.




RIVERINE PATROL SEARCHING FOR ILLEGAL ASIAN SMUGGLERS



A few hours later another Riverine patrol intercepted a speeding boat piloted by Fishlips. A gun battle ensued with both the chain smoking Fishlips, and his longtime guide Gilly being killed as the boat exploded in a huge ball of Ethanol flame. Searchers found no remains.




FISHLIPS AND ASIAN GUIDE GILLY DODGING GUNFIRE FROM RIVERINES BEFORE EXPLOSION









News of Fishlip's violent death reached the Carp fields of Indonesia quickly. A brief comment left on Fishlip's Facebook page from BIGEGGLAYER stated, "RIP yo bro. The 'Lips sleeps with the Fishes".

A group of Federal officials from 14 Immigration Agencies lead by VP Joe "This is one huge fishing deal" Biden will arrive at Fairmount International Airport later today to sort things out. Members of the entourage will tour the site of shootout first thing in the morning, along with the Press Secretary's MSNBC news team.



President Obama, in hastily put together news conference, told reporters that the Federal Government believes that the Carp Creek Asian immigration invasion is now our number one priority. "It's time for a change, again", said the President. "Maybe that Mexican Standoff with Arizona will go away if we just ignore it".





















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