Wednesday, June 23, 2010


It's been often said that "necessity is the father of invention". I really gotta hand it to you Arizona lawmen and your posses. You've taken the initiative by drawing a line in the sandy border and said NO to those illegal hombres weaving through that 370 mile sieve to your south. I tip my Stetson to you Governor Brewer and your supporters. Now, I'd like to offer you some outside support from one of the Green Scallions Companies.

With the World Cup finally winding down, I now have the time to channel my leftover excessively high levels of testosterone to areas of more import, like the 'Border Battle'.

Anyway, seems that nowadays governments are recruiting citizens to fix things like oil leaks. You Governor, have a sticky situation too with your leaky border. By taking full advantage of the services offered by Scallions Sinister Spin Department, I believe we can solidify the Isolationist image you wish to portray for Arizona and set in motion a terrifying action plan which will reduce this tide of the unwashed in their wife beater T shirts. God bless the Stand up State of Arizona.

So here are the key components of Scallion's Sinister Spin proposal:

IMAGE: Right now, you have a little problem with the people who can't legally vote down there and Democrats from D.C. I believe that you can re channel the angst of the bleeding hearts by creating a completely new State image. If they can feel a part of this new energy, in a way you've fooled them thinking you really care about what they think and they'll stop all their whining for awhile.


*Adopt a State Sport: Ride & Shoot. This is gaining in popularity with alot of your frustrated cowhands, who have "itchy trigger fingers", according to a rancher I spoke with earlier today. You might be able avoid unwanted violence by creating a whole new tourist craze allowing visitors to ride horses in the dessert and shoot paintballs at Mexicans who are ready to be deported. You could sell tickets to the real Arizonians for different levels of seating in the hot dessert to cheer for the gringo visitors as the the dehydrated illegals get mowed down with different color paints. Jesus, this sounds like a riot. God Bless the real Arizonans!

"Got You, You Varmit!"

*Change your State Bird: Vulture. You need to trash that cactus wren and get something threatening that flies. I'm sending via courier today several artists renderings of several intimidating ideas for your consideration. I'm really prejudiced, so the one I like best is with the Vulture perched on a human skeleton spitting a juice, kind of like taco sauce or blood out of it's beek. God, this is so good. So right. So Republican. God Bless Arizona's new image.

3)Combine both the vicious vulture and a cowboy doing the Ride & Shoot with a human skeleton laying in the background on a new State Flag. This of course would infer this was the carcass of an Illegal , without coming right out in saying it. If you were more specific about the bones being Illegals, The wimps from the ACLU might be offended. God Bless the new Flag of the great State of Arizona.

4)Combine all these new images into a full blown spin program for The New Arizona -Land of the Legals . Imagine TV ads promoting tourism with the paintball Ride & Shoot. This will kick off immediately to be coordinated by Scallions Sinister Spin along with as many of your State Agencies you want involved. The more the merrier. The more State employees we have involved, the more confusing it will be and the more we can bill you. God Bless your overlapping agencies. God Bless more income for Scallions in a down economy.

Governor Brewer, I hope that your pleased with the first part of our two part proposal. The second part of our proposal will be in your hands for review within the next week. This will be the responsibility of the Undercover Operatives of Scallions, a better version of the CIA. We will outline a detailed plan to cut down by 75% the number of Illegals who make it through the border. For the one's who actually do get across, you may wish to consider giving them "honorary citizenship" for a week prior to sending them south. This again is part of bettering your image from border to border, from sea to shining sea. God Bless you Governor Brewer!!

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