Monday, June 28, 2010

Scallions Companies Provides Action Plan to Make Arizona - Land of the Legals

Dear Governor Jan Brewer: As promised in my initial proposal of 6/23, the following is Scallion's Sinister Spin action plan designed to turn back 75% of the Illegals attempting to cross the border from Mexico. We will combine psychological warfare with state of the art electronics. Winning is our goal. We warrant that the results won't be a"Mexican Standoff" nor a repeat of the Alamo, but a total victory for Arizona - Land of the Legals (or if you text I think use Az-lol). Please note in our contract, Scallions assumes no responsibility for injury or death of Illegals due to self inflicted wounds.

The Scallions action plan is nicknamed JIC. Stands for Jan's Inner Circle. Kind of a nice girlie touch, don't you think? Should soften things somewhat for your cabinet members masking the cruel and unusual punishment which awaits future border crashers.


Of course, JIC is classified info. Therefore you cannot post any JIC stuff on your Facebook wall. Remember, "loose lips sink ships". We know women cannot keep secrets, so you will not share any JIC info with other chics, even if it's your 'best friend'. Stay off the wine and margaritas. Statistics show women gossip more when drinking. From here on in, it's only water for you!

Unfortunately, our operatives have had to deal with other female friendlies in the past who were just going to "share" with a few ladies who they were close to. Sadly, this chitchat sometimes led to cell phones being taken away, texting fingers chopped off , and vocal chords having been surgically removed. COMPRENDO?

We will provide all of the support needed including electronics and tech support exceeding the best of the CIA. You will hire some unemployed expendable locals to assist us as needed at the border. Being Latino and being able to speak Spanish are the only prerequisites. They will spend most of their borrowed time on the Mexican side of border, setting up props, hooking up electronic devices and dodging illegals. You'll probably look pretty good from a PR standpoint by advertising these jobs in the Latino press, but God Jan, don't infer that they're expendable.

Now, for the fun part. When they see our arsenal they'll be screaming out "ay caramba", which I just found out means holy crap. They'll wish they'd be back in the rack at the hacienda with moma cita, rather than scampering in circles in the dark dessert getting poked by cactus needles instead.

The prime weapon you'll use made this World Cup memorable. The noise of the -VUVUZELAS. These weapons of deafness we call Vuv's will be at the core of our battle plan. We calculate that when exposed to this noise alone that 35 % of Illegals will suffer severe hearing loss, with another 20% going loco. I'd suggest you listen to the sounds below yourself (not too long though Jan, you can't function in your role if you have to fumble with changing hearing aid batteries) and see if you you'd want to dash across the sand with this cacophonous continuous reminder of Armageddon droning in your face like swarms of killer bees.

LISTEN UP JAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gotta love it. There are so many mixes you can add to the vuv. Opera? Classics of Mahler, Bach, and other legends? Absolutely no maracas in the mix though. We don't want this stuff to sound like the barrio. Change the mix to country? One that would turn them around as they tire is that oldie "come a little closer, your my kind of man, so big and so strong,come a little closer the nights are so long". They'll' turn and sprint for their adobes. horniness will prevail. To really mess more with their heads, one great mixing sound from my Wisconsin days would be In Heaven there is no Beer. Listen below and imagine the vuvus and the kazoos going at the same time. You might be able to get this on U-Tube in Spanish. I'm sure some of your personal favorites like Karen and Richard Carpenter, the Captain and Teniel would have them dry heaving to those lyrics.


Not only are the sounds of the vuv mixed with other music a fun part for you and your staff, it also could help you in a Scallion's team building session in the future. Let's plan on discussing some extra services like team building from Scallions Sinister Spin later. Now for the crusher!!! I'm sure you're familiar with Clint Eastwood. We met Dirty Harry himself earlier this week regarding using some of his Spaghetti Western material for the border battle. He went bananas. He donned his old "Man with No Name" outfit, spit, nodded and said "go ahead, make my day". He's so Right! He's Republican!! He's in!!!

Clint has OK'd the double barrel approach we're suggesting for you with a more brutal changes. Pretty nasty guy for 80.

First of all, we will be installing 50 really big screen 3-D TVs staggered just inside our border. These will be seen from at least five miles into Mexico. Old footage of Clint in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, Fistful of Dollars, and For a Few Dollars More mowing down Mexicans will be on constant run. A few of Clint's classic lines like "In this world, there's two kinds of people my friend, those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig" will be dubbed in. Enough to scare the living carumba out of their culos as they watch Clint off thousands of their Illegal ancestors.


Secondly, we are using pop up posters of that mean looking cowboy Clint chewing on his little cigar with serape draped over his shoulder, six guns pointed south. The "Man with No Name" posters will stand 12 ft. tall, and have their own pyrotechnics display. It will be up to your expendables to dig holes 14' deep to hold the cardboard Clints, wire as directed by our operatives, and lay down remote wireless speakers for the TV noise 12" into the sand where they'll be impossible for the enemy to find. There will be no speakers in the TV's themselves, out of respect for your constituents on this side of the border. Unmanned drones, controlled by our Operatives in a secret location far from harms way will sense when any groups of 3 or more Illegals are spotted and the Clint lookalikes will pop up in their midst. All Vuv sounds mixes will also be drone controlled as well.

I'm sorry there was so much detail to this presentation. My wife told me I need to get to the point, but we all aren't like her -- going so fast that she forgets to make any points at all. Anyway, that's a personal thing. Jan, I'll be back to you this next week to bond over our mutual interests. In the meantime, have a great 4th of July. "Don't worry, be Happy"! We'll get them before the Feds get you!! -- G. Scallions

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