With the heat of the late summer, several young male Twin Citians were issued citations downtown for slapping police horses on the ass and running away. Our local newspaper stated most of the arrests which occurred near Target Field were the direct result of drinking, "just immature guys showing off" .
However, the latest incident involved an inebriated older man wearing only a New York Yankee hat who will be charged tomorrow with attempted drunken public bestiality with an adult male horse. Adding insult to injury to the Cities image, the arrest took place near the ball field as the Twins were getting their annual spanking by the Yankees in the ALD Playoffs in front of a national TV audience. It didn't take long for the New York media to tie the horse spanking Bronx Bomber story together with the "wait 'til next year Twins" spanking.
Chief of the Equestrian Patrol told Scallions, shortly after Thursdays second Twin's loss, the perp snuck up behind one of the Patrol's most beloved horses nicknamed Mr. Ed and aggressively bit his haunches causing Mr. Ed to lunge, toppling Equestrian Officer Marlene McIver to the ground. The aroused bareback rider hopeful then spanked Mr. Ed violently on the ass 3 or 4 times causing him to rear back and gallop frantically from the scene. Screaming "I love you Eddie" the sneaky slapper pursued Mr. Ed grabbing at this tail when defensively Mr. Ed unloaded his oatmeal on the sicko's sneakers, causing him to slide off the sidewalk becoming entangled in a field of buck thorn.
"Police horses are exceptionally smart. They are trained to use all the tools at their disposal to escape when exposed to scary situations such as this", Officer McIver asserted from her bed at County Hospital. "The older, wiser horses like Mr. Ed have experienced it all and have instincts beyond human understanding. After leaving lover boy in the brush, Mr. Ed galloped to the nearest phone booth and tried a 911 call as he's been trained to do", smiled a proud Officer McIver.
Unfortunately, Mr. Ed's trembling hoof mis dialed the 911 call and he ended up connecting to an unlisted party line number in Appalachia. High tech tracking equipment enabled the Equestrian Patrol to triangulate Mr. Ed's location and he was "rounded up" before the bandaged buck thorned Bomber had a chance to "sow his wild oats". Listen to the terror in Mr. Ed's voice from police recordings below