Since the formation of the Bowles-Simpson (B-S) commission, both Simpson and co-chair Erskine Bowles have received numerous threats. Capitol Police have issued an all points amber alert for Simpson and the FBI reported that all agents are on standby in case Simpson has been moved across state lines.
Although speculation is widespread as to what happened and why, authorities are focusing on the three most likely motives for Simpsons disappearance:
The "Witness Protection Program" Theory
"It's as if that Wyoming cowboy was granted his wish prematurely", stated a dazed looking President Barack Obama when questioned. Simpson had appeared over and over on national TV stating that once done with fixing the country's financial dilemma, he'd "have to go into the Witness Protection Program". Seeing as one of the first cuts suggested by B-S was the elimination of the Federal Witness Protection Program, it's possible the FWPP accelerated action on his comments before being shut down making sure he was safely hid away.
A well known political observer confided that this would bode poorly for finding Simpson ever again, "Once agencies are closed down and funding stops, cases like this get lost. If that's what occurred, Simpson could float unnoticed indefinitely through the bureaucratic mouse maze which B-S had been targeting to end. Ironic isn't it? Maybe he'll end up on Cold Case in 2040".
The "Senior Citizen Conspiracy" Theory
Police are also pursuing tips that a group of regular seniors who meet at Denny's for coffee each Friday abducted Simpson and stashed him away in a nursing home for ransom. Group members were overheard at coffee a few days ago complaining that they had nothing to be thankful for. They referred to not getting a cost of living allowance (COLA) increase again in 2011 and that "something was going to have to be done".
Denny's waitstaff advised us that although they were scruffy looking, smelled bad, and were poor tippers, most were polite. "Many were extremely loud when ordering, while others seemed to struggle hearing us when we read them the specials," mumbled an assistant manager named Juan in broken Spanglish. Police now have all 327 of these people under 24 hour surveillance in a retirement complex nearby.
The "Missing Bowel" Theory
The third theory being pursued centers around the Erskine Bowles himself. Having not been seen since Thanksgiving, Bowles is a person of interest to authorities at this time.