A younger looking Simpson captured in Paparazzi photos outside his regular Dennys waving to political groupies shortly after being appointed to co-chair debt commission earlier this year
When he said nothing was "off the table", little did Alan Simpson anticipate it might be him. The comedic, cantankerous looking cowboy co-chair of the controversial Bowles-Simpson deficit commission vanished into thin air Friday morning after downing his daily Grand Slam breakfast at his favorite D.C. Dennys.
Aging quickly, Simpson responded in August "across the aisle" to Bowles suggestion that selling Wyoming to South Dakota could bring new money into the Treasury
Since the formation of the Bowles-Simpson (B-S) commission, both Simpson and co-chair Erskine Bowles have received numerous threats. Capitol Police have issued an all points amber alert for Simpson and the FBI reported that all agents are on standby in case Simpson has been moved across state lines.
Although speculation is widespread as to what happened and why, authorities are focusing on the three most likely motives for Simpsons disappearance:
The "Witness Protection Program" Theory
"It's as if that Wyoming cowboy was granted his wish prematurely", stated a dazed looking President Barack Obama when questioned. Simpson had appeared over and over on national TV stating that once done with fixing the country's financial dilemma, he'd "have to go into the Witness Protection Program". Seeing as one of the first cuts suggested by B-S was the elimination of the Federal Witness Protection Program, it's possible the FWPP accelerated action on his comments before being shut down making sure he was safely hid away.
A well known political observer confided that this would bode poorly for finding Simpson ever again, "Once agencies are closed down and funding stops, cases like this get lost. If that's what occurred, Simpson could float unnoticed indefinitely through the bureaucratic mouse maze which B-S had been targeting to end. Ironic isn't it? Maybe he'll end up on Cold Case in 2040".
The "Senior Citizen Conspiracy" Theory
Police are also pursuing tips that a group of regular seniors who meet at Denny's for coffee each Friday abducted Simpson and stashed him away in a nursing home for ransom. Group members were overheard at coffee a few days ago complaining that they had nothing to be thankful for. They referred to not getting a cost of living allowance (COLA) increase again in 2011 and that "something was going to have to be done".
Denny's waitstaff advised us that although they were scruffy looking, smelled bad, and were poor tippers, most were polite. "Many were extremely loud when ordering, while others seemed to struggle hearing us when we read them the specials," mumbled an assistant manager named Juan in broken Spanglish. Police now have all 327 of these people under 24 hour surveillance in a retirement complex nearby.
The "Missing Bowel" Theory
The third theory being pursued centers around the Erskine Bowles himself. Having not been seen since Thanksgiving, Bowles is a person of interest to authorities at this time.
Trying to keep his composure, Bowles asks reporters not to call him Mr. Bowels
"Of course we have an interest in Mr. Bowels. No one has heard from Mr. Bowels. There's been absolutely no movement from Mr. Bowels. We'll just have to wait for nature to take it's course", chuckled a Capitol Police Communications Officer L. Jasper Brown holding up a photo of the missing Bowles.
According to B-S staffers, Bowles relationship with Simpson had become "strained" in recent weeks. One staffer who wished to remain anonymous confided, "the two of them met in a closed door session on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. They were there under the pretense of doing performance reviews on one another. Things got very noisy and I heard them screaming at one another as to who was going to get the restaurant coupons from the Washington Post in case they had to cut one anothers government retirement benefits".
Moments later, Simpson was photographed storming from the meeting room with McDonalds, Burger King, and Embers coupons falling from his briefcase. The agitited Bowles followed several steps behind.
Simpson seen above storms from office after arguing about restaurant coupons followed by agitated Bowles
With the national debt increasing 4.16 billion dollars daily, the White House hinted even prior to Simpson's disappearance the deficit may not be fixed before Christmas. "We recognize that the American public has developed an attitude that they want immediate gratification, but the black hole we are in may not get resolved completely until mid 2011", suggested a high ranking administration official. "Without Bowles and Simpson, it could take even longer. Without them we don't have alot to be thankful for this season".