Sent from: Chanhassen, Mn. 55317
Weather Conditions: Abysmally Depressing
I feel sorry for me. Thanks to the Internet, I just self diagnosed myself with SS'SAD (Severe Seasonal 'Sota Affective Disorder). Not to be confused with basic Seasonal Affective Disorder, SS'SAD is unique to residents of Minnesota only.
No, winter has not officially started yet. That will be December 21st. Actually SS'SAD hit me in mid November while flying back to Minneapolis from D.C. As the Atlanta based Delta pilot did his final approach to MSP, the ghostly white tundra appeared below. Captain Feel Good guffawed as he announced the Cities temp, along with mentioning Atlanta's. What a jerk. I didn't need his data seeing as traces of snowflakes and a blast of frigid air embraced me from the leaky emergency exit door I was seated by. "Oh jez, might be a bitch of a winter", I says to myself.
Now it's December 11th and the local TV weather curmudgeonman boasts that "we have more snow so far than we did in '91 which was the year of the great Halloween blizzard", as he reminisces about being stuck in a snowbank with his Chewbacca outfit looking more like the Abdominal Snowman. Then the dipwad brags about how hardy 'Sotans are while announcing this weekend we'll get another 12-16" of snow, with temps overnight tonight of -10 degrees FH.
In case you don't know where the Twin Cities are, were about 200 miles southeast of Fargo at 44.9 degrees north latitude. That puts us just south of the North Pole. When Santa stops here, he numbs himself with schnapps while leaving gifts to good little sun deprived peaked Scandinavian boys and girls and others of lesser heritage. Then the Fatman bolts as quick as he can for Florida throwing gifts from the sleigh into the fields South Dakota, Nebraska, and Iowa like an damn airlift. He just avoids North Dakota assuming the locals and the Canadians with oil money can buy their own gifts at Fargo's world famous Mall of the North America's West Acres.
So what's the difference between people suffering from SAD and those of us who live here suffering from SS'SAD. It's the severity and duration of the cold snowy months you moron. Our body temperature barely keeps us alive. We tend to be rather lethargic when awake. We live in our long john jam jams. We nap more during the day, avoid any social activity, and go to bed early.
Some years the snow stays on the ground from October into April. Sometimes we can't even find our buck thorn until May. The average winter temperature is around 10 degrees so if you're sad because you suffer from basic SAD, you are a wimpy sadist.
SS'SAD GOVERNOR ELECT WEIGHS IN; OPPONENT FLEES STATE
Winners or Loosers Dazed and confused newly elected Governor Mark Dayton on left claims he'll stay and fight SS'SAD on behalf of Minnesota voters until "Hell Freezes Over"!
BRETT FAVRE A VICTIM OF SS'SAD
"This year, winter set in too soon. I felt cold all the time and it seemed I was living in darkness", lamented the bruised and battered aging warrior. "I napped alot during the day, sometimes on the playing field. I felt depressed. SS'SAD is no fun. I think I'd rather go back to Green Bay as a backup to Aaron Rogers. At least I have friends there. There's so much to do in Green Bay. It's sunnier and winters are much shorter", confessed #4.