Sunday, January 30, 2011

OMG! New Cyber Court Endorsed by Gen X &Y Offers Impersonal Speedy Trials Saving Judicial System Gazillions

The long awaited US Cyber Court convenes today with the trial of the Florida high school basketball player known only as "Hoops". "Hoops" is charged with brutally attacking a referee without just cause during a game in mid December.

According to a legal analyst of Scallions Law, Cyber Court is based on technology using the emotionally detached "Fast" system. "FAST" which stands for a fair and speedy trial is modeled after the FACEBOOK platform which eliminates the need for personal contact. Just like the FACEBOOK user can dump a spouse without having to confront them personally or a student can bully someone in their class anonymously, Cyber Court can issue the death penalty in split seconds without emotion.

Cyber Court dehumanizes the Judge and Jury and other players in the process and treats the accused with indifference. It's designed to be brutally efficient, which generation xr's and y's love.Totally computerized, "FAST" will allow the overburdened court system to deal with as many as 4000 cases a day, whereas the regular court system handles only 10-12 max. To help the X'rs and Y's better understand how this works, it's like overlooking 4-5 real friends in favor of 400-500 random photos of humans on Facebook. "FAST" will adhere closely to the same insensitivity standards used by the gaming industry, on-line pornography, and social networks.

The trial is now beginning:

Judge to Jury and Hackers: Review the YouTube link below as the evidence for the Prosecution:

ACLU to Judge: We object to this YouTube evidence on the grounds it incriminates "Hoops"!

Judge to ACLU: Log in and password are incorrect. You're access is blocked.

Cyber Defense Attorney: "Hoops" is in lockup Judge. He has no computer access so he will not be able to "chat" his own plea. As "Hoops" defense team, we ask you Your Honor and the dedicated members of the Jury to take "Hoop's" recently text'd defense summary into consideration prior to sentencing.

Judge to Cyber Defense Attorney, Jury, Cyber Court Reporter: so noted.

THE "HOOPS" DEFENSE SUMMARY: Defendant "Hoops" has contended from day one that he was not there when the ref was mugged. He has three or four brothers and half brothers that look like him who were on the team that day all wearing his jersey number. Furthermore even if he was there, "Hoops" is demanding all charges against him be dropped and the ref charged in Federal Court with hate crimes because he confused him with his half brothers."Hoops" has found Jesus after reading Michael Vick's autobiography about how to tenderly handle dawwgs. To top it off, the re surging NBA Cleveland Caviler's are willing to give "Hoops"millions of dollars to replace departed Cav's megastar Labaron James. "Hoops" would be required to wear a flashing neon Nike ankle monitor 24-7 if he were placed on probation, Your Honor.

Judge to Jury: not to be human, but the ball is in your court! You have 60 seconds to vote on the fate of "Hoops".

Judge to Jury: Jury members, are you still there? You have 30 seconds to render your verdict. If I don't hear from you by then I will have the sole authority to make decision for you.

Judge to All Involved: All jury ballots have been received by my Clerk on time to be recorded.

Instant Message from Cyber Judge translated through a human court reporter to "Hoops" Defense Team via e-mail:

Sentencing in Cyber Court is determined by using the Monte Carlo System, which electronically analyzes 2500 variables based on similar crimes and determines what a fair sentence will be for the defendant. Based upon these inputs Cyber Court Finds:

defendant "Hoops" GUILTY as charged. The Monte Carlo System has determined there is a 30% Chance "Hoops" will become a productive member of society. "Hoops" is sentenced to serve 36 months at Juvie Hall and will be required to attend daily group sessions on anger management. "Hoops" will not be eligible to play on the Juvie Hall Basketball Team until month 25 of his sentence.


Session has time out. Next case against Sheboygan, Wisconsin woman who bit 75 year old husband's tongue off while in a moment of passion will begin in 30 seconds!

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