Saturday, March 12, 2011

Star Utah Basketball Player May Stay with Team. Agrees to Punishment for Having Premarital Sex. 2nd Student Investigated. School Fears Sexidemic!

Just days after Brigham Young University removed a 19 year star basketball player from the NCAA tourney bound team for having premarital sex with an 18 year old co-ed, a computer geek at BYU is now suspected of breaking the same no sex before marriage rule of the school's Honour Code . The consequences of these actions could lead to "expulsion from the school and banishment from our great State of Utah or worse", an unnamed Regent reported Sunday. "Our tribunal determines what is just punishment for the offense and the guilty must accept the verdict if they want to stay with our community of loving brethren".

An older Elder of the faith summed up the verdict, "Just like in Survivor, you can see from the link below that the Tribe has spoken"!

It is rumored that the basketball star who sports the tattoo of "BIG LOVE" on his left arm, is considering a last minute compromise proposed by school officials allowing him to return to the team in time to lead them to the "Big Dance". Talk in sports circles is that the BYU Viking Booster Club arranged for a special forgiveness amendment to the "Honour Code" allowing "Big Love" a free pass to play in the Tourney. One sports guru claims that if he agrees to play, "he has to to have his tattoo sanded off at the end of the season, or his left arm amputated if sanding fails". It's assumed that due to his unwavering religious beliefs he'll take the deal even though there is no guarantee he'll be able to play next season.

Interestingly enough, there appears to be a double standard at the University where the leadership's fire and brimstone has shifted to the computer geek, praying that the nerd will take the heat off the school's athletic program. According to the student run newspaper, The Leaky Wick, "the unnamed insignificant geek is in 'deep du du' having become the sacrificial lamb while the soiled jock smells more like a rose".

The Leaky Wick stated, "This poor geek soul will be cleansed according to the the Code which states 'To get the premarital male sex offender back into the fold the guilty guy will be sentenced to a life of drinking nothing more than what is joked about by guys at the U as 'The Failed Male Ale' - white milk mixed with large doses of SALTPETER"!!!!

In the past "The Failed Male Ale" was used only for healing in limited doses per the Code when DNA testing of sheets in dorms indicated that a male student might be thinking about sex. Seeing as this is the first time life sentences for premarital sex will be given at the school, no one is willing to speak to the long term affects of using the saltpeter solution.

In a show of solidarity, two unlikely fraternities, the Geeks and the Jocks have joined forces in support of their accused brothers demanding that the University relax it's rigid image and adopt the new musical emblem shown below:

"Honest to God,

I Just Can't Help Myself, Sometimes"!!!!

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