Monday, November 21, 2011

November 23rd $1.2 Trillion Deficit Disaster Averted by Super Action by Super Committee Creativity

Unnamed sources close to the Congressional Bipartisan Dozen Dealing with Deficit Reduction Super Committee (Referred to in Washington circles as the CBDDDRSC, or the 12 Disciples) have taken the long awaited first step to avoid an economic meltdown for the United States economy. The six Republicans and six Democrats have been charged to selectively cut $1.2 trillion from the U.S. budget prior to November 23rd.

Failure is no option for the 12 Disciples. Without reaching agreement, across the board budget cuts for all federal agencies will go into effect at 11:59 PM on the 23rd.

Word of this bold first step was leaked by the nationally acclaimed political blog site, Pierre Misery,  written by a first year Congressional intern. Coincidentally, it originates in the political epicenter of the United States -- Pierre, South Dakota.

When news of the CBDDDRSC's action reached ex-Congressmen Ernest Bowles , who earlier this year co-chaired the White House Deficit Reduction Committee, he expressed a great sigh of relief that the Disciples had taken action so quickly. "We knew they could do it", cheered Bowles. It's one huge  step forward for mankind"! Bowles former co-chair of the Deficit Reduction Committee, Alan Simpson, the ex-Senator from the great state of Wyoming was unavailable for comment having gone missing from a Washington D.C. Denny's restaurant earlier this year.

Pierre Misery stated that this aggressive action will be just one of many of bold moves by the government to ease worldwide concerns that American leadership has lost control of  its ballooning debt. Although Misery hinted that the ethics of this move were questionable, world financial markets lead by Greece and Italy rallied sharply with  news of the U.S. action.

Although specifics of the Super Committee's first step are not known for sure,  Misery  hinted there has been an unusual amount of suspicious activity around the National Debt Clock located in New York City. The National Debt Clock tracks the country's debt by the second on a bloated jumbo tron. It's like viewing a repeat of The Little Shop of Horrors except this version stars an overgrown weed which gorges itself on dollars. Early this year, the Clock was added as one of the "must sees" by both Frothers and Foamers for wealthy Chinese tourists. 

THE NATIONAL DEBT CLOCK (don't you love the red ink)?

With all the focus in Manhattan on the Wall Street protests, no one seemed to notice the streets for a mile around the The National Debt Clock were being blocked off in recent days. Reliable street people who sleep in the area of the Clock told us last week the clock "just stopped at midnight at some gazillion dollar figure and started to spin wildly backward". A witness reported seeing a elderly grey haired man running from the Clock screaming "this is a huge F--- G deal, Barak Baby". He then jumped into a waiting black stretch limo with D.C. license plates marked "Biden My Time". The witness was unable to see who was driving the get away vehicle.

Before NYPD could cordon off the area of the Clock, there were reports of mass suicides of Chinese visitors in the area. All were said to have been jumpers, plunging to their deaths off the top of those red double decker tour buses as they witnessed the clock robbing them of their digital fortunes. In happier times, those same buses stopped in front of the Clock as citizens of that debtee nation of China gleefully posed for time exposed pictures in front of what they thought they owned.

One member of the 12 Disciples who goes under the code name of Judas, stressed that the debt problem would be fixed by the end of business on the 23rd. When grilled by Scallions about the situation at the Clock, he scoffed denying involvement and turning his back on the Commander and Chief,  "I don't know anything about that! Ask the President"!

By forsaking the President, Judas denied any involvement with the Debt Clock, and shifted the blame to the executive branch.  "Look, it's politics as usual. We're not anything other than 12 disciples. Obama has often said 'he can't wait' anymore for Congress to 'do it's job' and he does whatever he wants by issuing executive orders. Then he swears he's not getting involved -- that it's up to Congress to resolve. Maybe you should be talking to him and Joe Biden", turning his back on Obama a second time.  "Regardless, how could anyone expect six stiff shirted Republicans and six free spending Democrats to agree on anything, except when to take a recess".

Judas rambled on, "Even though this whole situation is like a Chinese fire drill, having the debt clock go backwards for a while might just be the thing we need to get our asses out of this mess for a few hours anyway. At the rate the clock is reversing gears it will stop at $13,773,228,608,405.00  at 11:59 PM on the 23rd. That would mean we had done our jobs and gotten rid of that trivial trillion two".

"We'd be heroes for the day", Judas chuckled. " We'd also, all 12 of us, be on the first flights out of D.C. using our fake passports thanks to the Witness Protection Progam to hide in some God forsaken place like the Sahara, Greenland, or the South Pole or wherever. Just so you know, we had our flights booked for months anyway, figuring if we didn't fix the debt thing the masses would lynch us".

As for the President, he and his family have been reported to be in New York City, of all places preparing to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday with the Bidens. President Obama will be the grand marshall of the Macy's Day Parade ushering in the latest and biggest bloated float ever -- a replica of the National Debt Clock.

V.P. Biden, who hasn't been seen doing anything in the nations capitol for months now, was also been spotted in the Big Apple in recent weeks. According to NYPD police sources, he is helping authorities search for his missing limo which was reported stolen from in front of his hotel a few nights back by a suspicious looking street person.

In our final meeting with Judas, he spoke candidly about where things stand as of today, "Look, these Watergate type things happen all the time in D.C.. The public doesn't know how things like this get done. They don't want to know".

"All you need to know is that we're fixing the debt", Judas concluded, "Therefore all our good citizens  can breath easier knowing dot.GOV has done its job. Anyone wishing to express their gratitude on the 24th, Thanksgiving Day, can send greetings to us at ." As for the 25th, who knows, it'll be just another day in political paradise".



March, 2010: Debt Clock Adds More Space:

November, 2010: Alan Simpson Vanishes from D.C. Denny's:

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