Sunday, June 10, 2012


I recently joined the swelling ranks of you Prius owners. I'm proud of the car, but really don't identify with most of you Prius owners!!!

As I watch the flood of Prius's on the road, other than taxis, government vehicles, and an occasional pimpmobile with  spinners and oversized tires which bounce to the beat of  bad music,  all the rest of the Prius's on the road look so dowdy. Unfortunately, most of the drivers look, well kind of ho hum too.

A neighbor pointed out to me a few days back that the Prius is a boring car  -- "I prefer my Audi, more spirited, flashy", he smugly boasted. Kind of made me feel boring seeing as I am an extension of what I drive.

But face it, a Prius "is what it is" -- rather dull looking with limited options, colors, etc. But that's not who you are, is it? You're so much more than that dullard who just drives that hybrid!

So you need to express your uniqueness as Prius owners.  I'm suspect there are some really fun people in the ranks of Prius owners, but most of you give other drivers the impression we are just stodgy zombies driving under the speed limit, mesmerized by the multiple mpg meters on the instrument panel, squeezing every thimble full of gas while tightening your sphincters . Stop being such a tight ass!

Maybe customize your Prius. Add a racing stripe or a roll bar. The public will think Prius drag racing is coming to a town nearby. Maybe you can even start a Prius road rally group in your city. Imagine 20,000 of these things lost on the expressway in your town while on a scavenger hunt.

Macho guys might toughen their image by wearing a racing helmet (or a bike helmet if you can't afford the real thing). If you are a NASCAR freak, you could even honor your favorite dead race car driver by painting their car number  with a black "RIP" on your Prius. You could even paint over that Toyota optional premier white color with candy apple red. Cool!

Anyone can order a vanity license plate for a few extra dollars. Sure, you can be a real Prius dud and try to order "PRIUS", "GREEN", "ECO", "50 MPG" etc. for plates, but they've probably been taken by some slug you really don't want to be like anyway. Try to a find a fun plate -- "HAVEGAS", "SLOWBOY", "WANTMAN", "RINGME" , etc. -- It's you baby. Show them who you are, not the car!!

Are you old, single and looking for a date/mate, or just a roll in the hay?  Slowly cruise the parking lot of nursing homes in the ECO mode, sneaking up on unsuspecting members of the opposite sex. You'll drive up so quietly that even the best of hearing aids won't pick up your approach -- unless you're breathing hard. Try the old line of, "hey baby, you want a ride in my cool wheels?" If you don't scare them into cardiac arrest, you may have found a new, old soul mate.

If you're a big game hunter, hang a rifle rack in the back window of your Prius, just like real men do with their pickups. And during deer season, there would be nothing wrong with strapping a bloody, decomposing, maggot infested carcass on the top of your Prius to show what a man's man you are.

Maybe you're lonely and just want to meet other Prius owners. Go to the mall and park your Prius close to another Prius of the same color. Watch as some other dreary looking person stands in front of your car trying to open the doors with their keys, while mouthing, "Oh, good golly!" If interested in pursuing a  friendship, cautiously try to engage in a conversation. Be creative -- don't try those lines like "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", or "Do you want to have sex?". Try to show a little class for a change.

For seniors, try to put as many old people as you can into your Prius to go to happy hour. Remember how much fun it was in the mid-60's when 18 teenagers set the world record cramming into a Volkswagon Beetle? Ah yes, it's never too late. You don't have alot of time left, so round up your ambulatory friends that can still pass a bone density test and go for it in your AARP flagged Prius.  Other senior Prius owners will drool with envy as to how frugal you are with your car pooling. So you cheap Charlie, you and your senile friends suck up those half priced drinks and down some heart healthy nachos while there's still time.

If you're too shy or just plain too dull to come up with a creative way to show off your personality as an adventurous Prius owner, Scallions can be of help. For a limited time only you can order directly from Scallions Marketing the "FREE US FROM OUR PRIUS" bumper stickers for just $5.95. If interested, leave your order request in the comment section section below -----

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