SCALLIONS IS TRYING OUT SOMETHING NEVER DONE BEFORE IN THE NEWS! IT'S A QUICK GLANCE AT THE BIG STORIES TRENDING THAT YOU CAN READ IN 60 SECONDS OR LESS. WE'VE NAMED IT: THINGS YOU NEED TO OR NOT NEED TO KNOW OR EVEN WANT TO KNOW!!!
#1 THING YOU MUST KNOW IF YOU LIVE IN ST. PAUL: March 17th is St. Patrick's Day, just in case you forgot. OK gang, time to set out your goofy Irish top hat and those cute little green Leprechaun tights with the matching stiletto fruity booties. The green beer; don't forget to start drinking your green beer now! Get yourself psyched for the big parade. Do it now before you forget! Remember, for 364 days a year you're just another blob taking up space in Ramsey County; on the 17th though, you are a real player slogging down the salty, slushy streets of St. Paul.
#2 THING YOU PROBABLY DON'T NEED TO KNOW: President Obama will not be allowed to use his executive power, according to House Speaker John Boehner, to delay the spring solstice from March 21st to sometime in May.
#3 THING YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW FOR TRIVIA: Punxsutawney Phil, Pennsylvania's oldest living groundhog has been terminated (not executed, just fired) after 117 years of service. Sources for the community revealed that only 16 times had Phil forecast an early spring and his overall accuracy in forecasting was 39%. Townies figured Phil had gone senile sometime back so it was time for a change. Took awhile, but someone finally figured, "he didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground," a local Philamaniac supporter for years lamented.
#4 THING TO KNOW IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO HAVE OPENING DAY TICKETS FOR THE WHITE SOX AT US CELLULAR FIELD IN CHICAGO: The Minnesota Twins will open the season as visitors in the always friendly, balmy, south side of Chicago on March 31st. Major League Baseball always does a great job scheduling season openers in warmer climates. The Twins, being a more northern team, will open at home April 7th - rain, snow, or shine.
BREAKING NEWS: Local authorities in Embarrass, Minnesota have called off the search for four unnamed Minnesota Twin's hopefuls who were filling in on a delayed Twins Winter Caravan trip near the Canadian border. The Twins Winter Caravan is an annual goodwill promotion where small groups of Twins players, coaches, etc. tour the state in team cars promoting the team. After loosing almost three hundred games the last three seasons, it was critical that someone, anyone, showed up. No rostered players were willing to risk the trip due to severe weather conditions. Rumor has it that someone in top management strongly hinted to these four amigos that they'd be welcome at spring training camp if they completed the Caravan.
The delayed trip departed the Twin Cities February 15th. The foursome were supposed to be at spring training camp no later than the 21st. They were last heard calling from a payphone on the 27th at an unnamed saloon in Bawabick. At that time they reported they were about halfway through the Caravan.
Several days later the picture shown below was received at Scallion's headquarters. If you look real close you can see a white S.O.S clawed out in the snow on the ridge line, along with some discarded Twin's gear, ice fishing equipment, etc. No trace has been found of their stripped down red and blue Smart Car with -$CALVIN Minnesota license plates.
Reached at Ft. Myer's spring training headquarters, a Twin's official shrugged off their disappearance, "Well, this could just be boys being boys, if you know what I mean?" hinting at the reputation of the Canadian border area as being party central. He continued on, "I mean really, these guys are at the bottom of the food chain anyway when it comes to making the club. They might just as well stay there and try to catch on with a senior couple's softball league and save us the bus fare to send them back home."
At Fort Myers we also spoke to walk-on Tsuyoshi Nishioka through our Japanese translator who appeared to be elated with the prospects missing in action status, "Those guys were loser's too, so now I have a better chance to make Twin's town ball affiliate." Hoping not to be recognized, Nishioka had just snuck into camp in the middle of the night wanting to compete with Jason Bartlett for the utility infielder spot, or perhaps use his power to establish himself this time around at the hot corner now that Miguel Sano is out for the year.