No, free hot dogs, Nick Punto bobbleheads, Twingo, or a late showing of The Natural on the big screen along with fireworks after the Twins loose will not get fans back to the ballpark this year. It would be really sad if the club's performance and attendance would become the focal point for the national media when the Twins host the 85th Major League Baseball All Star Game on July 15th at Target Field.
One local radio sports icon interviewed by Scallions Sports morning talk show summed it up this way, "Desperate times deserve desperate measures." Recalling a time in the 70's when the national pastime was struggling to get fans in the stand, he mumbled, "it was the streakers who brought people back to the park. Maybe Mr. Griffith and his genius staff should recruit some of them today." As he nodded off, he garbled, "they might even stimulate me, my ----???"
So, why not bring those streakers to the ballpark and put some life into this team? You can almost picture Trevor Ploffe chasing after a streaker instead of the ball on easy play at 3rd; or how about TC trying to tackle one of these nude gremlins, as fully clothed couples of all persuasions lip lock on the Kiss Cam in the sixth inning. How about that for a twofer value Calvin!
TOUCH 'EM ALL BIG BOY!
It's obvious featuring streakers will provide the best bang for the buck for the Pohlads this year. With MLB Instant Replay, you'll be able to see highlights of the sprinters in the buff over and over again. Replays can be stopped, sped up, turned upside down, combined, slowed down making for more laughs. This will be more enjoyable than watching replays of the starting pitcher's first three dismal innings, and won't cost the Twins anything!
The American Society of Streakers (ASS) which was formed in the 70's, has been wanting to legitimize their craft and partner with MLB for years. According to ASS, Bud Selig and others have done "no more than turn the other cheek" when approached by ASS. Even though most of the original group have passed, those that are still around and mobile would gladly show off their skills for free.
An unnamed grey haired lady ASS with sagging boobs lamented about the lack of young people they'll be able to provide the Twins, "too many of them aren't in condition. You know, obesity and that stuff. Beside, they'd rather lay in bed and sext naked selfies than work up a sweat."