Friday, August 10, 2018


In a surprise move, West Metro Senior Softball Officials announced that National League Co-Manager,  referred to by his players as "the Old Gruff Scruff"  (not to be confused with his fourth cousin, the elite West Metro player the Unbuff Scruff) has been let go after the first session of summer ball from the floundering Indians (a.k.a. Native Americans). Gruff Scruff had held the position for less than 5 weeks.

The buzz from key sports guys in the area; Rosen, Sid, Maxx, and rest of the usual suspects have expressed many theories about the Gruff Scruff's departure, but the one most widely suggested is that Scruff had been pressuring League officials to promote a Gruff Scruff Bobble Head on his behalf. Gruff Scruff claims that his real head spun around, bounced, swayed, and shook every inning just trying to get his troops on the field in their right positions.

Gruff Scruff had hinted that his doctor thought perhaps he had suffered a concussion. His lawyers had advised him that proceeds from a Gruff Scruff Bobble Head might ease his pain. Of course, the underlying concern in the League is legal action on behalf of the players who suffer from concussions after they hang up their spikes. Currently there are a variety of class action lawsuits pending in different parts of the country in senior sports. Some of the more widely known suits, along with concussions, deal with premature sphincter leakage,  poor vision, bad bladder control, and erectile dysfunction, and memory loss.

The news of Gruff Scruff's demise came as no shock to the team members. Several emotionally charged teammates spoke out against the Gruff Scruff.

Here are just a few of the comments from some of the anonymous players:

*PLAYER #1 who batted 4th for no apparent reason and was used as a utility catcher when no one else showed up:

"My God, anyone knows I can't hit shit, so why does he put all that pressure on me to bat cleanup.
I have to take nitro when I'm on deck."


"Just never was able to make out a good lineup. He always batted that one real old guy 4th. I think his name was Pete, Paul or something like that.  Don't remember his name, but he was the one with the wooden leg.  I should have batted 4th. I take steroids".


"Never spells the player names right when making out the batting order. Good golly, names like Jim, Jan ,and James are confusing.  Tom, Tim, and Jim,  too. And Bobs, way too many Bobs on our team. Been a lot easier if we referred to Bob 1, 2, 3 , or maybe called some Bobby, Robert or Roberto. When the players last initial or full last name was added it even became more confusing".

PLAYER #4:  "I didn't even know his name was Gruff Scruff. Guess that fits. He was really gruff at times. Suppose that's why they called him Gruff Scruff. Makes sense now. How would I know is name? He never wore his red hat".

The majority of other player comments were unpublishable due to excessive profanity, or poor grasp of the English language or a combination of the above.

When contacted by Green Scallions Sports, League Commissioner (Baseball Bob, BbB) stated firmly that he had nothing to do with what could be a career ending move for the Gruff Scruff. BbB then passed Scallions Sports off to "some old guy with thinning grey hair who does some work for the League", but BbB couldn't recall his name. We tried to find this guy at the beer/hot dog break, but there must have been 100 or so guys who fit BbB's generic description. If anyone has an idea of who the guy might be, please contact Scallions Sports at providing their full name  not just the name on their hat.

A somewhat dejected Gruff Scruff shared some of his thoughts one morning with us at Starbucks. He lamented that he was probably just too tough on the team, "I had no idea how annoying a bunch of whiny old farts can sound while sitting on the bench asking each other who was up to bat, do I bat next, who are you again, etc?. They sounded more like a group of post menopausal women bitching about how to split a restaurant bill twelve ways. They drove me nuts," stated Scruff gruffly.

No comments: