Saturday, March 9, 2019

HOPING THIS SCALLIONS GEM WILL BRING SMILES TO YOUR FACE WITHOUT CRACKING YOUR SKIN. THE POLAR VORTEX CONTINUES ON WITH MORE SNOW EXPECTED THIS WEEKEND IN MINNESOTA, THE LAND OF 10,000 FROZEN LAKES. WE WILL TOUGH IT OUT, ONY AS NATIVES DO -- SHOVELING, CUSSING, AND IMBIBING. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE THIS WITH ANYONE IN NEED OF A LAUGH.



TWO SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE STARS FROM THE 70'S FOUND DEAD IN TWIN CITIES SUBURB!!SUICIDE SUSPECTED!! BRUTAL WINTER BLAMED!




Remains of two prominent Saturday Night Live icons have been recovered at the bottom of Snowcap Peak in a western suburb of Minneapolis. Rescue teams found the bodies of Mr Bill and his dear friend Mr. Sluggo near the the base 2 days ago.

An "Oh No!" note from both SNL legends stated depression had overcome them due to the severity of the Minnesota winter. Arthritis had set in to their once pliable putty bodies which had become brittle. Well known weather forecaster, Punxsutaweney Phil was criticized harshly by them as "a bold faced liar who promised an early spring."

Shortly before their deaths, both Mr.s. Bill and Sluggo were interviewed by Scallions at a  lodge at the base of Snowcap Peak. Mr. Bill stated that they preferred a death with dignity.  Mr. Sluggo consoled Spot with the decision that Spot would soon join his ancestors in Hound Heaven.

Spot's eyes welled up with tears. For his last supper, he was fed all you can eat Alpo Premium, cannabis, and Perrier Champagne. As the guys gave him the peace sign, the nervous dog lost complete control of his sphincter, leaving a big poop spot on the previously spotless restaurant floorđź’©.





"We'll be forgotten before the day is over "lamented Mr. Sluggo. "Oh no, "Oh no, no, no no!" exclaimed Bill, "some washed up bottom feeder baby boomer writer wannabe will eulogize us!"

Prior to coming to Minnesota the three lived on a shelf at a California Amazon warehouse. Their aging benefactor purchased them hoping to restore their dignity.



Coming to Minnesota winter after having lived in  California weather became too much for them. They had flown into Minneapolis International Airport in an early December blizzard. It became apparent to the new sponsor soon after that he had made a tragic mistake.




LAST PICS OF THE JUMPERS


SCREAMING



OH NO,NOOOO,OOOO,OOOOOOO!









Amazon was asked to take their remains back with a restock fee. Amazon replied the product had been damaged in shipping and they were obsolete anyway. Amazon suggested filing a freight claim with UPS.

The still unnamed sponsor of Mr. Bill and Mr. Sluggo has arranged to have them thawed out, heated up, melted down,  and mixed with recycled Nutty Putty. No arrangements have been announced yet for Spot.

Scallions is in negotiations with Nutty Putty to buy this original signed blog to be  prominently placed in the Nutty Putty Hall of Fame.







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